I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
