woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
