I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
