There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
