I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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