Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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