I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
