Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
