Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize