Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
