i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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