ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize