I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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