Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize