i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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