just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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