Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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