I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
