i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
