with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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