why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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