I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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