...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize