I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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