Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
