I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
