Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
