I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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