sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
