I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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