you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize