I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
