When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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