it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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