I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
