this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
