I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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