the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize