I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
