I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
