Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
