At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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