Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
