Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
