Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
