Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
