Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize