My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
