...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
