there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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