morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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