he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
