wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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