i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
