apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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