Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize