We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
it was like eating out sand paper
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
