Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
