did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
try to milk me bitch
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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